You're worth it

Do you ever think about your life and don't know if there's sense in all of it anymore? Do you ever think about all the things you've done wrong and the things you shouldn't have said? Do you ever think about all your body parts that are not "normal" or "hot"? Do you ever sit in your room and just don't get why there are people who like you? Do you? Because I do. I think about how annoying I can be and that sometimes I'm a hypocrite. I think about my big thighs and belly and how ugly my left ring finger is since it's been crushed in a door. I think about how I don't seem to manage to take what I learn in school into practical training and why that is and if I am a failure for that. I think about my biggest dreams and doubt I will ever achieve them. I think about this blog and if anyone ever reads it and about my channel on youtube where I haven't uploaded a video in ages. I think about how I am a disaster when it comes to flirting. I think about how sometimes I can't stop to bite down my cuticles. Yeah, some days it's not easy being me. And I'm sure I know that thinking like this isn't unusual. But this self-doubt, this feeling of worthlessness and sometimes even self-hate shouldn't be there, it's just not needed. A little while ago I came to a point where I was struggling with some of these questions and it felt kind of like this...

                                         ...but then, suddenly, there were some lyrics in my head, positive thoughts about bodies and life and I remembered the song they were from. So I went online, listened to it and cried it all out, all those dumb questions that bother me, all those terrible thoughts, all those hard feelings. That was a good day. This song made some band-aids come to life and put themselves onto the wounds in my heart and the cuts in my brain, some of which I caused all by myself. But of course it's not all gone, just because there was one day of letting it go and cleaning my mind and heart. They're here, I take them with me whereever I go and sometimes they crawl into my mind like tiny little demons. They think they can find a home again and put their malice and fear into my thoughts and feeelings. But they're wrong, because now I have a shield that protects me from them. You could say it works like firewall, like an anti virus system, only it's not installed on my computer, but in my immune system. So whenever such a nasty little demon tries to activate bad thoughts of worthlessness and self-doubt there will be my protective shield just waiting for it. It'll push the green button which brings Mr. Earworm into action and he'll sing this song for me. Or this, this, this or that one. Immediately I will be reminded that I'm good and beautiful, that I can do whatever I doubt I can, that I'll be okay and that I deserve to live and to be happy. But most importantly that I am worth it. All of the points above apply to you, too. And I hope that if not right now, but maybe someday in the future you'll be able to install your own protective shield or - which would be even better - to keep those demons under control, to lock them up. For now just know that you really are worth it.
♥ Regenschirmtier

PS: If you haven't done it yet, please listen to You're worth it by Cimorelli, yes, even if you don't like pop music. Focus on the lyrics. That's what's important.