Freitag, 30. Dezember 2016

Zweitausendundsechzehn.


Ich hab versucht auf deutsch zu schreiben, aber es hat einfach nicht geklappt. Ich hoffe, dass du den Text trotzdem liest. Vielleicht nimmst du ja sogar etwas Gutes davon mit.
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Sometimes I pause what I'm doing because I can't believe we're already living in 2016. Then I remember that 2017 is just around the corner. This may as well be the best time to lie on the floor and think about the mysteries of the universe. I really do that sometimes but it doesn't take long before I'm unable to cope with the thought that the universe is infinite and still expands permanently. So I bring my thoughts back to planet earth, back to 2016, and think about what I will tell people about this year should they ever ask me about it.
It's out of the question that things happened this year that are heart-wrenching. Sometimes my heart was so heavy it felt as if I would only be able to walk stooped down. I cried a lot. For all the people we lost this year. For children who may never live a "normal" life, because they had to experience war. For lost fights. For votes going to people who think less of others because of their skin color, origin, religion, sexuality or gender. As I write about it, the tears try to find their way out again, because it's really "%§)!&"=/ hard. It is, I don't want to fool myself or you. BUT! (yes, here comes the but!) But this is not everything this year consisted of. You want proof? There you go.
These are my memory jars starting with 2013 on the left. They contain happiness and love and all the other good moments that are worth remembering. As you can see, they seem to grow bigger every year. Look at the glass for 2016. Does this look like a sad year to you? I didn't think so. It wasn't. Because 2016 was the year I fell in love with Hamilton. It's the year we got more Harry Potter, we got Newt Scamander and his fantastic beasts. I read so many awesome wow books. Lin-Manuel Miranda opened up a whole other dimension of music for me that nobody ever thought I would enjoy. There were so many beautiful moments with my loved ones. I danced, sang and clapped along on so many amazing concerts. I got to work with people I admire. 2016 is the year I loved myself more. Man, I'm so lucky, WE are so lucky! These are just some of MY positive experiences, but I urge you to remember yours. I urge you to not only remember the dark times, but to think about all the good things you did, the good things that happened to you and other people. I don't want you to forget the bad. Cry about it, write about it, cope with it however you do, but don't let it take you over. Give the hurt and the rage a room in your heart, but don't give them the power cord, protect yourself with an army of positivity. DO NOT LET HATE WIN. Because "...love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love cannot be killed or swept aside." (Lin-Manuel Miranda)


♥ Regenschirmtier


Sonntag, 18. September 2016

A belly full of secrets

Dear lovely people of the world,

sometimes I wonder how we got here. How did we get to a society that fully supports fat-shaming, even advertises it? Shaming in general, that is. Doesn't matter if it's about weight or sex or buying things for your own pleasure. Or even cleaning your own living-room. I then proceed to think about historical facts that helped shape how we are and what we do today. Okay, that happened, I will never be able to change the past. But what about the future, what about the present? This gift the world gives us, which we get to unwrap everyday. People always preach "be the change you want to see in the world", but there are more people complaining than people DOING and CHANGING the game. When will you learn that shaming people will not make them change? 
Yes, I am overweight and yes, I love eating and I am responsible for most of the fat that my body contains. But that doesn't mean that I'm unhealthy. And it doesn't mean that you, most likely a skinny person, get to judge me when you only know what you see. You don't get to shame me for my weight OR for the way I gained it. Further down lies the question "Why is it of such interest to you, how or why or that I have a big butt and a big belly?" What's in it for you if I ever lose the weight? Do you think you get to say "I am the reason why she now weighs so and so many pounds less than she wighed three months ago"? Will it make you feel good? DO YOU THINK THAT YOUR SHAMING ME WILL MAKE ME LOSE WEIGHT? As if. You know what it does? It makes me like you less and it makes me question if you even like yourself. Because that's what I do. I love myself, I love my big butt and my belly full of secrets. Yes, I'm not always happy about how I look and that is normal. But you fat-shaming me in front of my friends is never gonna do anything good, never gonna change the game. Start by loving yourself and you will see how it changes not only your view on yourself, but also your view on others. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be kind.

Yours sincerely,
Regenschirmtier ♥

Montag, 30. Mai 2016

You'll be okay

"You'll be okay." is a sentence I often use. I tell it to all the people in my life who are having a hard time, whose life is rough in that very moment, who have a big ass mountain in front of them. I also tell it to myself, sing it to myself. It's something that helps me get through whatever is shoved in my way by what some people call Universe, God, Life. And I hope it helps those I tell it to. Because yes, life can be rough and hard and really really sad, but for me there's always hope. Hope that it'll be alright, that I will be okay, everyone will be.
When I say those four words I don't always think about it as every problem solved, about happy endings and everyone loving each other. Naah. Well, yes, the hope for solutions and success and love is still there, but "You'll be okay." doesn't always mean that. Sometimes is also means losing something or someone. It means not finding a solution to a problem or remaining sad for a looong time. But I still say it, because there's always healing. There are always wounds being closed, remaining only a scar (which are - and you can't take that away from me - something that make people unique and tell stories about them). There will always be people not finding their way back to each other and yes, maybe the sound of the other person's name will sting a little when said, but both of these people will heal, will be happy again, will live their lives in a great way. So when you are there and I say to you those words, be sure that I have hope for you. Because hope is stronger than fear and we can't let fear win. We just can't. You'll be okay.

♥ Regenschirmtier

Samstag, 6. Februar 2016

Magie existiert!

Als ich eben mit dem Fahrrad vom Babysitten nach Hause fuhr, hatte ich mal wieder eine Reihe dieser Momente, die ich schon seit geraumer Zeit als Privatparty bezeichne. Das sind Herzmomente, die man ganz für sich feiert und oft hat dabei die Musik ihre Finger im Spiel. Meistens treten sie auf, wenn ich gerade auf meinem Fahrrad unterwegs bin und heute waren sie besonders stark, besonders intensiv und vollgeladen mit Emotionen. Ich glaube das lag unter anderem daran, dass ich zurzeit meine Musik im shuffle höre, weil ich keine "Musikphase" habe. Früher fand ich das zufällige Abspielen von Liedern grässlich, heute finde ich es ziemlich aufregend. Besonders, weil ich beim Fahrradfahren ja nicht ständig auf mein Handy lunzen kann, um nachzuschauen, welcher Song als nächstes dran ist. Und vorhin war nach zwei Liedern von den Wise Guys erstmal Stille in meinen Ohren. Ich dachte schon, mein Handy hat mal wieder das Programm einfach beendet, aber neeein, es war ein Stück, das generell leiser war und dann auch noch fast unvernehmbar begann. Es spielte "Der König ist zurückgekehrt", ein Stück aus dem Soundtrack vom Ende von "Der König der Löwen". Als erstes umfingen mich die wohligen Töne des Cello-Solos, was beinahe von ganz allein mein Herz zum Schmelzen brachte, aber dann ging es ans Eingemachte und plötzlich hatte ich Herzrasen und Schmerzen in der Brust - Ich konnte vor mir sehen, wie Scar Simba immer weiter an den Rand des Königsfelsens drängt und ihm schließlich sein grausiges Geheimnis verrät. Doch wer die Geschichte kennt, weiß, dass das Blatt sich wendet. Nun ging die Musik zu der Stelle über, wo die Schlacht bereits geschlagen und das geweihte Land gerettet ist, zu dem Moment, in dem Simba als neuer König den Königsfelsen erklimmt.
Was für ein gigantischer Augenblick! So gigantisch, dass sich mir ein breites Lächeln ins Gesicht stahl und mir Tränen in die Augen schossen. Wer auch immer mich in diesem Moment gesehen haben mag, hätte niemals erraten können, was da gerade in und mit mir passiert. Wow, auch jetzt, eine halbe Stunde später, klingt dieses klitzekleine großartige Ereignis noch in mir nach. Das kann wirklich nur Musik, wenn sie mit meinem altbewährten Freund, der Liebe, zusammenarbeitet. Solche Magie, mir solche Gefühle ins Herz zu zaubern, da können nur die Großen am Werk gewesen sein. Mal wieder bin ich unendlich dankbar dafür, ein Musikmensch zu sein, ein Momentemensch, ein Disneyliebe-Mensch und vor allem ein Mensch, der bewegt ist und sich bewegen lässt. Dieser Mensch muss sich jetzt erstmal erholen und vermutlich den Film noch einmal schauen. Lasst euch und eure Herzen bewegen, ihr Lieben. Das Leben ist herrlich!
♥ Regenschirmtier

Samstag, 7. November 2015

soft & kind & hopeful

Dear human being,

I am disgusted. No, that's not it. I feel everything right now and it's too much. I haven't written for a while now - again, and I'm sorry for that - because I felt like I'm losing myself. Today while I drove back from the lake I sat at I discovered that this is in fact not what's happening. I'm a person who feels a lot, who takes everything in that's surrounding me. Most of all I am soft. Funnily enough I'm also soft on the outside, but that's not what I mean when I say "I am soft." Being soft means being a person who is kind and gentle, a person who has not gone hard. It means I see that the world is not a nice place to live in, but I'm not bitter, I still try to do my best to make it as good as possible for others. As a dear friend of mine so wisely phrased it in his last letter to me: "The world is not good, but it's beautiful." Now, you may yell at your screen for reading such words written from my hand, but let me tell you what lies behind that: No, the world is not a good place. Yes, there's our earth which offers us so incredibly much and yes, there are beautiful people, who word hard to make the world a better place. But still there are people who suffer. There are people who have to flee their country because of war. Most of these people lose everything they've had, they're literally just trying to survive but a lot of people in my country feel the need to hurt them and believe they're a danger to us. There are people who get thrown into prison for being homosexual. There are people who can't get to be themselves, just because their family doesn't accept their true selves. There are people who don't get to eat every day. There are people who are denied the right to go to school. There are so many people who hurt each other day in, day out and it makes no difference whether it's a small matter or a big one, whether it's physical violence or mental abuse. Does that sound like a big, fat load of pain to you? Yeah, I thought so. It makes me feel ashamed and enraged and powerless, but mostly overwhelmed, because it's just too much! With this in mind I remembered a quote by Anne Frank, who wrote into her diary "In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart." and suddenly started struggling to believe the same. Did I lose my faith in humanity? No. Because...
Humanity is a diverse thing and people are complex and complicated, but I refuse to give up on us, I refuse to go bitter, although being soft in a cruel world is hard sometimes. I believe there is good and bad in all of us, but we need to choose which part to act on. I am going to carry this weight, this pain in my heart, but still be hopeful, because if we want to see change in the world we need to do it ourselves. What matters is to try for even a small act lights up the world. And I hope you decide to stay hopeful and soft with me. The world might not be good, but it sure is beautiful and filled with a large number of beautiful people with beautiful souls and hearts. Be one of those people.
♥ Regenschirmtier

Dienstag, 18. August 2015

I don't have to explain myself.

Last weekend I told some friends of mine the story how about a month ago another friend of mine got me a package filled with 15 bars of chocolate just because she thought it would be funny. And it was funny, I even made her a video when I opened the package, because I didn't know what was in it and it got her crying on the floor from laughter because literally all I said while opening was "What the f...?!?". But when I told this story one of those friends (well, actually he's more of an acquaintance than a friend) started laughing and said something along the lines of "Haha, and all of it is gone by now, I guess?". Needless to say that this sentence felt like a slap in the face. It hurt that just because I am bigger than other people they assume I eat chocolate whenever it's shoved into my face. In that moment I didn't have the words to say what I should've said and I didn't want to kill the vibe of the party. But as the days go on I catch myself thinking about this very moment, feeling angry and hurt and I contemplate with myself whether to text him or just leave it be. And then today while driving on my bike through the rain (best time to think, really!) I thought "Actually, I don't have to explain myself.". I could've told this person that I didn't eat all of the chocolate at once and that in reality it's quite the contrary. I could've said that just because I have more fat than him it doesn't make me unhealthy. I could've told him, that I go to school by bike and that that's a distance of about 20 kilometers every day. But I know this wouldn't have mattered to him, he would've thought of it as a joke. I know this because in the situation I in fact answered with "No, I think I still have about 13 bars left." and got laughed at again. So no, I shouldn't have said any of those things. I should have said "You know what? I don't have to explain myself." and I should've left. But I didn't. I tried to explain to him, that I'm not an always-eating person who doesn't care about her body, although there's absolutely no reason for it. My body is mine and it's beautiful the way it is and yet people manage to make me feel like I am wrong. His opinion of my body doesn't define me. And it certainly shouldn't make me want to explain myself. It makes me so angry that this society is brain-washed by the media to think only skinny people are beautiful and that having fat ultimately means being unhealthy and ugly. I don't understand how people can make fun of others for how their body is built and I certainly do not understand why people who notice such things don't take action, don't open their mouths in favor of the person being bullied, don't tell the person off. I think most people don't understand how hard it is to accept your own body under so much pressure by media and society. And even if you accept yourself fully it's still hard to deal with it when people use you for their jokes. I don't mean to offend anyone, I just want people to notice such things, to take action and to just be kind in daily life, because the world can be a shitty place and life is hard sometimes. Don't make it harder by being an asshole. Thank you.
♥ Regenschirmtier

Samstag, 21. März 2015

You're worth it

Do you ever think about your life and don't know if there's sense in all of it anymore? Do you ever think about all the things you've done wrong and the things you shouldn't have said? Do you ever think about all your body parts that are not "normal" or "hot"? Do you ever sit in your room and just don't get why there are people who like you? Do you? Because I do. I think about how annoying I can be and that sometimes I'm a hypocrite. I think about my big thighs and belly and how ugly my left ring finger is since it's been crushed in a door. I think about how I don't seem to manage to take what I learn in school into practical training and why that is and if I am a failure for that. I think about my biggest dreams and doubt I will ever achieve them. I think about this blog and if anyone ever reads it and about my channel on youtube where I haven't uploaded a video in ages. I think about how I am a disaster when it comes to flirting. I think about how sometimes I can't stop to bite down my cuticles. Yeah, some days it's not easy being me. And I'm sure I know that thinking like this isn't unusual. But this self-doubt, this feeling of worthlessness and sometimes even self-hate shouldn't be there, it's just not needed. A little while ago I came to a point where I was struggling with some of these questions and it felt kind of like this...
                                         ...but then, suddenly, there were some lyrics in my head, positive thoughts about bodies and life and I remembered the song they were from. So I went online, listened to it and cried it all out, all those dumb questions that bother me, all those terrible thoughts, all those hard feelings. That was a good day. This song made some band-aids come to life and put themselves onto the wounds in my heart and the cuts in my brain, some of which I caused all by myself. But of course it's not all gone, just because there was one day of letting it go and cleaning my mind and heart. They're here, I take them with me whereever I go and sometimes they crawl into my mind like tiny little demons. They think they can find a home again and put their malice and fear into my thoughts and feeelings. But they're wrong, because now I have a shield that protects me from them. You could say it works like firewall, like an anti virus system, only it's not installed on my computer, but in my immune system. So whenever such a nasty little demon tries to activate bad thoughts of worthlessness and self-doubt there will be my protective shield just waiting for it. It'll push the green button which brings Mr. Earworm into action and he'll sing this song for me. Or this, this, this or that one. Immediately I will be reminded that I'm good and beautiful, that I can do whatever I doubt I can, that I'll be okay and that I deserve to live and to be happy. But most importantly that I am worth it. All of the points above apply to you, too. And I hope that if not right now, but maybe someday in the future you'll be able to install your own protective shield or - which would be even better - to keep those demons under control, to lock them up. For now just know that you really are worth it.
♥ Regenschirmtier

PS: If you haven't done it yet, please listen to You're worth it by Cimorelli, yes, even if you don't like pop music. Focus on the lyrics. That's what's important.