Samstag, 21. März 2015

You're worth it

Do you ever think about your life and don't know if there's sense in all of it anymore? Do you ever think about all the things you've done wrong and the things you shouldn't have said? Do you ever think about all your body parts that are not "normal" or "hot"? Do you ever sit in your room and just don't get why there are people who like you? Do you? Because I do. I think about how annoying I can be and that sometimes I'm a hypocrite. I think about my big thighs and belly and how ugly my left ring finger is since it's been crushed in a door. I think about how I don't seem to manage to take what I learn in school into practical training and why that is and if I am a failure for that. I think about my biggest dreams and doubt I will ever achieve them. I think about this blog and if anyone ever reads it and about my channel on youtube where I haven't uploaded a video in ages. I think about how I am a disaster when it comes to flirting. I think about how sometimes I can't stop to bite down my cuticles. Yeah, some days it's not easy being me. And I'm sure I know that thinking like this isn't unusual. But this self-doubt, this feeling of worthlessness and sometimes even self-hate shouldn't be there, it's just not needed. A little while ago I came to a point where I was struggling with some of these questions and it felt kind of like this...
                                         ...but then, suddenly, there were some lyrics in my head, positive thoughts about bodies and life and I remembered the song they were from. So I went online, listened to it and cried it all out, all those dumb questions that bother me, all those terrible thoughts, all those hard feelings. That was a good day. This song made some band-aids come to life and put themselves onto the wounds in my heart and the cuts in my brain, some of which I caused all by myself. But of course it's not all gone, just because there was one day of letting it go and cleaning my mind and heart. They're here, I take them with me whereever I go and sometimes they crawl into my mind like tiny little demons. They think they can find a home again and put their malice and fear into my thoughts and feeelings. But they're wrong, because now I have a shield that protects me from them. You could say it works like firewall, like an anti virus system, only it's not installed on my computer, but in my immune system. So whenever such a nasty little demon tries to activate bad thoughts of worthlessness and self-doubt there will be my protective shield just waiting for it. It'll push the green button which brings Mr. Earworm into action and he'll sing this song for me. Or this, this, this or that one. Immediately I will be reminded that I'm good and beautiful, that I can do whatever I doubt I can, that I'll be okay and that I deserve to live and to be happy. But most importantly that I am worth it. All of the points above apply to you, too. And I hope that if not right now, but maybe someday in the future you'll be able to install your own protective shield or - which would be even better - to keep those demons under control, to lock them up. For now just know that you really are worth it.
♥ Regenschirmtier

PS: If you haven't done it yet, please listen to You're worth it by Cimorelli, yes, even if you don't like pop music. Focus on the lyrics. That's what's important.

Freitag, 13. März 2015

Hakuna matata

I've been sick for the past few days and today I didn't spend in bed all day for the first time. I didn't go outside, because I still don't feel good, but I DID something. Well, about half an hour ago I decided to lie down to rest for a little while. Huge mistake. Not that resting is bad, no. That actually would be great right now. But when I lay down and tucked myself in, I was hit by a big fat wall of worries which were waiting to feed on the blank space I had saved for this short time of sleep. They didn't come at me one after another or creeping from under my pillow, no, they hit me full-on and crawled right into my sleepy thoughts like little sneaking monsters. Disturbing, disgusting and ugly. So I lay there, almost paralyzed, and listened to the whole load of worries - the big ones, the medium-sized ones and the small ones. All of them. It was ridiculous. I was worried about things that happened long ago, like that one thing that happened when I was 10 years old. I was worried about things happening in the series I'm currently watching - What will happen to Brooke? Why are these writers so cruel? I miss Leyton so much... - and about things I can't change. I was worried about right now and all the things I have to get done before I leave for Berlin tomorrow - What will I wear? Do I really need to pack my laptop for one night? Am I addicted to the damn thing? -, about my health - How often did I take my medication today? Did I drink enough water? Surely not enough tea. I really have to sleep now! - and about things that'll happen far away in the future - Will I cry after my practical examination like I did the last time? Will I become a great child-care worker? Will I have many- STOP IT! Suddenly I was screaming at myself in my head. How dumb do you have to be to worry about things in the future?! How stupid are we people to always worry about everything? I know it's not just me. I am a worrier and yes, there are people who don't worry as much as I do and I guess there are people who worry far more than me, but really, what is it worth? I'm sick, I need to get better for a lot of reasons and I need my sleep, but my silly brain won't let me do just that because it got eaten up by worries. Worries nobody needs, but everybody has. And I know sometimes worries are a good thing and really helpful, but most of the time they're just useless. I don't have all the answers as to how we can stop worrying, but I'd suggest we trust god or life or ourselves or whatever we believe in, take a deep breath and then sing a lovely little song called
by our (or at least my) friends Timon & Pumbaa, and Simba. Right now I'm going to take a little nap.
♥ Regenschirmtier

Sonntag, 1. März 2015

You are loved

What do you think about me, when you see me on the street? You probably see an overweight girl on average height with long blond hair in a messy pony tail, who mouths the text of the song she's listening to and whips back and forth on her feet to the beat of said song. A girl who isn't what you think of when you hear the word pretty. A girl who doesn't exactly look happy, but doesn't have a depressed expression either. Maybe you'd just see a regular girl, nothing special about her. Would you have guessed that I'm the person who sends "You're gonna be okay"-packages to their friends? Would you have thought that I'm the girl who paints her nails 10 different colors, just for fun? Would you have guessed that I'm the person who dances like crazy when her favorite song is playing? Would you have thought that I'm the girl that tries to love herself a little more every day? Would you have guessed anything nice at all?
I assume, most people wouldn't. I don't know that for sure, of course, but the way I see it and with the things I get to hear and notice in everyday life, I'd say most people find it very hard to think of kind words about other human beings. Well, we certainly have our problems with strangers. But let me tell you this: Saying nice things about and to each other is so so so important! And it's necessary to change our mindset, to change our look on the world and to see everything around us as it is - beautiful. There's this quote saying "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." by Anaïs Nin and I'm pretty sure it's true, but we ARE beautiful and kind and ambitious and warm-hearted and colourful and afraid and strong and funny and all these other things. I could go on with this list forever, but the point is if we are all these things, why don't we see the world with the whole variety? And why must everything foreign or strange always be bad? It isn't. It's as easy as that. The world and everything in it, including every human being, is incredibly beautiful. People tend to see only the bad things, the flaws that we without doubt possess. It's because we critizise ourselves too much. We're too hard on ourselves so that in the end we aren't capable of seeing the good things. Not in ourselves, not in our counterparts, not in the world. Plus we're not used to hear positive characteristics and because we find it hard to see them we also don't talk about these things to other people. But that too is so so so important. When was the last time someone told you he/she was proud of you no matter what? When was the last time you told this to someone else? When was the last time someone told you to be careful and to send a message when you're home? It's important, it feels good, not only to receive, but also to tell and it make you see the world as a better, brighter place where a good life is possible. I think there would be less war if people would just tell each other they're good, worth it, enough, loved and that there's someone out there who is proud of them.
♥ Regenschirmtier

PS: Hmja, noch ein englischer Text. Ich schätze, sie kommen einfach, wie sie wollen. Das wird nun
also ein bilingualer Blog. Oder nur noch englisch. One does not know. ;)