Samstag, 7. November 2015

soft & kind & hopeful

Dear human being,

I am disgusted. No, that's not it. I feel everything right now and it's too much. I haven't written for a while now - again, and I'm sorry for that - because I felt like I'm losing myself. Today while I drove back from the lake I sat at I discovered that this is in fact not what's happening. I'm a person who feels a lot, who takes everything in that's surrounding me. Most of all I am soft. Funnily enough I'm also soft on the outside, but that's not what I mean when I say "I am soft." Being soft means being a person who is kind and gentle, a person who has not gone hard. It means I see that the world is not a nice place to live in, but I'm not bitter, I still try to do my best to make it as good as possible for others. As a dear friend of mine so wisely phrased it in his last letter to me: "The world is not good, but it's beautiful." Now, you may yell at your screen for reading such words written from my hand, but let me tell you what lies behind that: No, the world is not a good place. Yes, there's our earth which offers us so incredibly much and yes, there are beautiful people, who word hard to make the world a better place. But still there are people who suffer. There are people who have to flee their country because of war. Most of these people lose everything they've had, they're literally just trying to survive but a lot of people in my country feel the need to hurt them and believe they're a danger to us. There are people who get thrown into prison for being homosexual. There are people who can't get to be themselves, just because their family doesn't accept their true selves. There are people who don't get to eat every day. There are people who are denied the right to go to school. There are so many people who hurt each other day in, day out and it makes no difference whether it's a small matter or a big one, whether it's physical violence or mental abuse. Does that sound like a big, fat load of pain to you? Yeah, I thought so. It makes me feel ashamed and enraged and powerless, but mostly overwhelmed, because it's just too much! With this in mind I remembered a quote by Anne Frank, who wrote into her diary "In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart." and suddenly started struggling to believe the same. Did I lose my faith in humanity? No. Because...
Humanity is a diverse thing and people are complex and complicated, but I refuse to give up on us, I refuse to go bitter, although being soft in a cruel world is hard sometimes. I believe there is good and bad in all of us, but we need to choose which part to act on. I am going to carry this weight, this pain in my heart, but still be hopeful, because if we want to see change in the world we need to do it ourselves. What matters is to try for even a small act lights up the world. And I hope you decide to stay hopeful and soft with me. The world might not be good, but it sure is beautiful and filled with a large number of beautiful people with beautiful souls and hearts. Be one of those people.
♥ Regenschirmtier

Dienstag, 18. August 2015

I don't have to explain myself.

Last weekend I told some friends of mine the story how about a month ago another friend of mine got me a package filled with 15 bars of chocolate just because she thought it would be funny. And it was funny, I even made her a video when I opened the package, because I didn't know what was in it and it got her crying on the floor from laughter because literally all I said while opening was "What the f...?!?". But when I told this story one of those friends (well, actually he's more of an acquaintance than a friend) started laughing and said something along the lines of "Haha, and all of it is gone by now, I guess?". Needless to say that this sentence felt like a slap in the face. It hurt that just because I am bigger than other people they assume I eat chocolate whenever it's shoved into my face. In that moment I didn't have the words to say what I should've said and I didn't want to kill the vibe of the party. But as the days go on I catch myself thinking about this very moment, feeling angry and hurt and I contemplate with myself whether to text him or just leave it be. And then today while driving on my bike through the rain (best time to think, really!) I thought "Actually, I don't have to explain myself.". I could've told this person that I didn't eat all of the chocolate at once and that in reality it's quite the contrary. I could've said that just because I have more fat than him it doesn't make me unhealthy. I could've told him, that I go to school by bike and that that's a distance of about 20 kilometers every day. But I know this wouldn't have mattered to him, he would've thought of it as a joke. I know this because in the situation I in fact answered with "No, I think I still have about 13 bars left." and got laughed at again. So no, I shouldn't have said any of those things. I should have said "You know what? I don't have to explain myself." and I should've left. But I didn't. I tried to explain to him, that I'm not an always-eating person who doesn't care about her body, although there's absolutely no reason for it. My body is mine and it's beautiful the way it is and yet people manage to make me feel like I am wrong. His opinion of my body doesn't define me. And it certainly shouldn't make me want to explain myself. It makes me so angry that this society is brain-washed by the media to think only skinny people are beautiful and that having fat ultimately means being unhealthy and ugly. I don't understand how people can make fun of others for how their body is built and I certainly do not understand why people who notice such things don't take action, don't open their mouths in favor of the person being bullied, don't tell the person off. I think most people don't understand how hard it is to accept your own body under so much pressure by media and society. And even if you accept yourself fully it's still hard to deal with it when people use you for their jokes. I don't mean to offend anyone, I just want people to notice such things, to take action and to just be kind in daily life, because the world can be a shitty place and life is hard sometimes. Don't make it harder by being an asshole. Thank you.
♥ Regenschirmtier

Samstag, 21. März 2015

You're worth it

Do you ever think about your life and don't know if there's sense in all of it anymore? Do you ever think about all the things you've done wrong and the things you shouldn't have said? Do you ever think about all your body parts that are not "normal" or "hot"? Do you ever sit in your room and just don't get why there are people who like you? Do you? Because I do. I think about how annoying I can be and that sometimes I'm a hypocrite. I think about my big thighs and belly and how ugly my left ring finger is since it's been crushed in a door. I think about how I don't seem to manage to take what I learn in school into practical training and why that is and if I am a failure for that. I think about my biggest dreams and doubt I will ever achieve them. I think about this blog and if anyone ever reads it and about my channel on youtube where I haven't uploaded a video in ages. I think about how I am a disaster when it comes to flirting. I think about how sometimes I can't stop to bite down my cuticles. Yeah, some days it's not easy being me. And I'm sure I know that thinking like this isn't unusual. But this self-doubt, this feeling of worthlessness and sometimes even self-hate shouldn't be there, it's just not needed. A little while ago I came to a point where I was struggling with some of these questions and it felt kind of like this...
                                         ...but then, suddenly, there were some lyrics in my head, positive thoughts about bodies and life and I remembered the song they were from. So I went online, listened to it and cried it all out, all those dumb questions that bother me, all those terrible thoughts, all those hard feelings. That was a good day. This song made some band-aids come to life and put themselves onto the wounds in my heart and the cuts in my brain, some of which I caused all by myself. But of course it's not all gone, just because there was one day of letting it go and cleaning my mind and heart. They're here, I take them with me whereever I go and sometimes they crawl into my mind like tiny little demons. They think they can find a home again and put their malice and fear into my thoughts and feeelings. But they're wrong, because now I have a shield that protects me from them. You could say it works like firewall, like an anti virus system, only it's not installed on my computer, but in my immune system. So whenever such a nasty little demon tries to activate bad thoughts of worthlessness and self-doubt there will be my protective shield just waiting for it. It'll push the green button which brings Mr. Earworm into action and he'll sing this song for me. Or this, this, this or that one. Immediately I will be reminded that I'm good and beautiful, that I can do whatever I doubt I can, that I'll be okay and that I deserve to live and to be happy. But most importantly that I am worth it. All of the points above apply to you, too. And I hope that if not right now, but maybe someday in the future you'll be able to install your own protective shield or - which would be even better - to keep those demons under control, to lock them up. For now just know that you really are worth it.
♥ Regenschirmtier

PS: If you haven't done it yet, please listen to You're worth it by Cimorelli, yes, even if you don't like pop music. Focus on the lyrics. That's what's important.

Freitag, 13. März 2015

Hakuna matata

I've been sick for the past few days and today I didn't spend in bed all day for the first time. I didn't go outside, because I still don't feel good, but I DID something. Well, about half an hour ago I decided to lie down to rest for a little while. Huge mistake. Not that resting is bad, no. That actually would be great right now. But when I lay down and tucked myself in, I was hit by a big fat wall of worries which were waiting to feed on the blank space I had saved for this short time of sleep. They didn't come at me one after another or creeping from under my pillow, no, they hit me full-on and crawled right into my sleepy thoughts like little sneaking monsters. Disturbing, disgusting and ugly. So I lay there, almost paralyzed, and listened to the whole load of worries - the big ones, the medium-sized ones and the small ones. All of them. It was ridiculous. I was worried about things that happened long ago, like that one thing that happened when I was 10 years old. I was worried about things happening in the series I'm currently watching - What will happen to Brooke? Why are these writers so cruel? I miss Leyton so much... - and about things I can't change. I was worried about right now and all the things I have to get done before I leave for Berlin tomorrow - What will I wear? Do I really need to pack my laptop for one night? Am I addicted to the damn thing? -, about my health - How often did I take my medication today? Did I drink enough water? Surely not enough tea. I really have to sleep now! - and about things that'll happen far away in the future - Will I cry after my practical examination like I did the last time? Will I become a great child-care worker? Will I have many- STOP IT! Suddenly I was screaming at myself in my head. How dumb do you have to be to worry about things in the future?! How stupid are we people to always worry about everything? I know it's not just me. I am a worrier and yes, there are people who don't worry as much as I do and I guess there are people who worry far more than me, but really, what is it worth? I'm sick, I need to get better for a lot of reasons and I need my sleep, but my silly brain won't let me do just that because it got eaten up by worries. Worries nobody needs, but everybody has. And I know sometimes worries are a good thing and really helpful, but most of the time they're just useless. I don't have all the answers as to how we can stop worrying, but I'd suggest we trust god or life or ourselves or whatever we believe in, take a deep breath and then sing a lovely little song called
by our (or at least my) friends Timon & Pumbaa, and Simba. Right now I'm going to take a little nap.
♥ Regenschirmtier

Sonntag, 1. März 2015

You are loved

What do you think about me, when you see me on the street? You probably see an overweight girl on average height with long blond hair in a messy pony tail, who mouths the text of the song she's listening to and whips back and forth on her feet to the beat of said song. A girl who isn't what you think of when you hear the word pretty. A girl who doesn't exactly look happy, but doesn't have a depressed expression either. Maybe you'd just see a regular girl, nothing special about her. Would you have guessed that I'm the person who sends "You're gonna be okay"-packages to their friends? Would you have thought that I'm the girl who paints her nails 10 different colors, just for fun? Would you have guessed that I'm the person who dances like crazy when her favorite song is playing? Would you have thought that I'm the girl that tries to love herself a little more every day? Would you have guessed anything nice at all?
I assume, most people wouldn't. I don't know that for sure, of course, but the way I see it and with the things I get to hear and notice in everyday life, I'd say most people find it very hard to think of kind words about other human beings. Well, we certainly have our problems with strangers. But let me tell you this: Saying nice things about and to each other is so so so important! And it's necessary to change our mindset, to change our look on the world and to see everything around us as it is - beautiful. There's this quote saying "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." by Anaïs Nin and I'm pretty sure it's true, but we ARE beautiful and kind and ambitious and warm-hearted and colourful and afraid and strong and funny and all these other things. I could go on with this list forever, but the point is if we are all these things, why don't we see the world with the whole variety? And why must everything foreign or strange always be bad? It isn't. It's as easy as that. The world and everything in it, including every human being, is incredibly beautiful. People tend to see only the bad things, the flaws that we without doubt possess. It's because we critizise ourselves too much. We're too hard on ourselves so that in the end we aren't capable of seeing the good things. Not in ourselves, not in our counterparts, not in the world. Plus we're not used to hear positive characteristics and because we find it hard to see them we also don't talk about these things to other people. But that too is so so so important. When was the last time someone told you he/she was proud of you no matter what? When was the last time you told this to someone else? When was the last time someone told you to be careful and to send a message when you're home? It's important, it feels good, not only to receive, but also to tell and it make you see the world as a better, brighter place where a good life is possible. I think there would be less war if people would just tell each other they're good, worth it, enough, loved and that there's someone out there who is proud of them.
♥ Regenschirmtier

PS: Hmja, noch ein englischer Text. Ich schätze, sie kommen einfach, wie sie wollen. Das wird nun
also ein bilingualer Blog. Oder nur noch englisch. One does not know. ;)

Samstag, 21. Februar 2015

Strawberry Shoes and Paper Hearts

Hallo lieber Mensch,
der folgende Text ist auf Englisch verfasst, da ich zurzeit viel auf Englisch lese und schaue und höre und generell schon seit einer Weile auf Englisch denke, weshalb es mir manchmal schwerer fällt, meine Gedanken in Deutsch zu verfassen. Ich weiß noch nicht, ob dies eine Ausnahme bleiben wird oder ob ich in Zukunft mehr Dinge auf Englisch verfassen werde, aber das wird die Zeit zeigen. Danke für dein Verständnis, vor allem, wenn Englisch nicht deine Lieblingssprache ist.

Today I saw a girl wearing shoes painted like strawberries while I was walking through the grocery store, listening to The Swell Season and thinking about life. I do that a lot these days. Thinking about the general meaning of life, about my life in particular, who I want to be, what I want to do, what life means to me and what it means to be a girl, a daughter, a sister, an aunt. Well, I was listening to The Swell Season, who, when you give it a closer look, make pretty sad music and I kept thinking how hard it is to be happy in this cruel world and how I struggle to accept the things I can't change. But in this moment, I smiled at myself because I realized something important: I am going to be okay. You see, it's those little moments in your everyday life that keep you sane and scream at you that life is awesome, even if there's so much hate and killing and war going on. And it's necessary to see those moments, to absorb them, to let them heal you. Because life IS great and our world is amazing and there is so much left to see and to learn and to feel and this won't go away because there are people out there, who only think of revenge and might and money. And it's believing in those little moments that will save you. Moments like your two and a half year old nephew grabbing the paper hearts you just made and telling you he wants them on his door. Moments like a 90 year old woman telling you and your friend about her life, just because you stood next to her looking at paintings in a shop window. Moments like unwinding with your mom after you've had a rough time talking to her because of a silly argument. Moments like carrying the newborn son of a friend through a bookstore and telling him how important the Harry Potter series is, although he doesn't understand anything I say.
I kind of lost this mindset in the last months, maybe because I let everything that's happened around the world into my heart, let it feast there and eat parts of my heart for dinner. I just feel so miserable knowing that there are so many people who are being mistreated, hated, hurt and killed and sometimes I don't know how I can stand living on this earth anymore. I often think it would be easier to find another planet and raise a new kind of human beings who don't do such awful things. And then, directly following the thought about emigration, there comes another one saying that all the people who lived until now made so many wonderful things happen and I can't leave it all behind. So I decide to stay. Yes, partly because there's no other planet to live on right now, not in this dimension. I guess we all just need to do our best while living our lives and be kind to one another. Because in the end that's what shapes ourselves, our surroundings and the next generations. Like the Dalai Lama said: "The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kind." So I urge you, as I urge myself, to be one or all of those things, to be kind, to live your life being happy and to know that despite everything that's happened to you and the world around you, you're going to be okay.
♥ Regenschirmtier